“IT STRIKES” Again: Bert and Ernie debate the merits of the big raise at Queen’s Park

[The following column, inspired by actions of then Premier of Ontario Ernie Eves, was first published in April, 2003. I was so ahead of the curve! : ) gah]

Bert and Ernie debate the merits of the big raise at Queen’s Park

Bert (leaning dangerously out of the upper window over the Sesame Street Deli): Hey Ernie? Ernie? Is that you?
Ernie (rocking back stiffly and looking upward): Hey, Bert. Yeh, it’s me.

Bert: I had to call you twice. You seem to be in your own little world.
Ernie: Oh, I was doing some mental arithmetic. I really concentrate when I do that.

Bert: And I didn’t recognize you at first from up here. Are you doing something new to your hair?
Ernie: Yeh. (He runs his orange hand through his plastic hair.) It’s a new expensive gel. You should try it.

Bert: No thanks. I I like how my hair spikes up all on its own. Natural preservatives you know - kinda 1970s.
Ernie: Wanna come down for a milkshake, Bert? Deli’s open.

Bert: I’ll get ready. Whose turn to pay this time?
Ernie: I’m pretty sure it’s still your turn. I was just doing the math.

Bert changes quickly into his favourite striped T-shirt and green pants and hops out the window to the sidewalk below. Animated conversation continues once they are comfortably seated at a yellow table next to the Sesame Street fire hydrant, cold chocolate shakes in hand.

Bert: So how’s your job going at Queen’s Park?

Ernie: Well, I haven’t been there for a few months. I scheduled a long break after sweating over considerations for a 23 per cent pay hike.

Bert: Oh, wouldn’t that mean you’d be working longer hours?
Ernie: I really love your sense of humour, Bert. You’re so naive. I don’t think you’d ever make a decent politician.

Bert: You don’t think so, eh?
Ernie: Well, I’m sure we could debate that for hours but we won’t.


[Photo link]

Bert: So Ernie, I was wondering. How come I have to pay for your shakes all the time?
Ernie: It’s just common sense bert. See, I give you a little money if the wind is blowing in the right direction, then I expect you to pay it all back, and more. Didn’t you catch my budget from Brampton?

Bert: I wasn’t invited. I did turn on the TV but all I got was infomercials. So what would I have learned?
Ernie: First off you’d realize if you want to get a message out, don’t do it at the Magna training centre. With my business background I should have remembered it’s all about ‘location, location, location.’

Bert: Yeh, you seem to be taking some heat about that move.
Ernie: I’m just letting you know the media seems to be preoccupied with the location as opposed to the content of the campaign... er, budget speech.

Bert: Well, you could have used your house at Queen’s Park. There are more seats for people. Folks could have discussed the fine points with you.
Ernie: Yeh, that would have been the highlight of my day, Bert. Hey, do you like my new slogan? Sell - like there’s no tomorrow. Cut - like there’s no one watching. Lead - like you’ve never been hurt.

Bert: Wait a minute, Ernie. You’re just reading stuff off my T-shirt.
Ernie: Yeh, but it’s so clear and catchy. Bert, can I have your shirt?

Bert: Get your own shirt. You can afford it, can’t you?
Ernie: Of course I can. Just asking. You ready for more chocolate shake?

gah

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