Condiments a-plenty, but where’s the real food when you need it?
I was sure the ingredients for my special sandwich were in the fridge so I volunteered to make lunch. My wife Pat was skeptical the first time I made her one. Now she is a vocal supporter of this culinary delight.
After I placed the whole wheat bread, margarine, cheese slices, Spanish onion, bacon, tomato, peanut butter and dill pickles on the kitchen counter, I realized we were out of an essential ingredient - mayonnaise. My special sandwich needs a thick, healthy serving serving of mayo, otherwise ‘special’ becomes run of the mill.
["Oh, if we could just afford a fridge with shelves on the inside of the door. Then I could buy a second type of mustard, that Dijon stuff."]
I grabbed my coat at the front door as I prepared to go shopping for my own fresh, hand-picked jar of ‘Hellmann’s Real.’
“Pat, I’m going to Valu-mart for mayonnaise. Want anything?” I asked as I started out the door.
“I put the grocery list on the counter beside the toaster. There’s a few things we need. Have you got it?” she replied.
“Almost had it,” I declared as I reversed direction.
Pat asked, “Did you check the top shelf in the fridge for mayonnaise? That’s where I keep it.”
Yeah, pretty sure,” I answered hastily.
I jogged to the back of the house, grabbed the list and read it as I headed to the front door again.
I inquired innocently as I passed Pat in the dining room, “You want another jar of mustard?”
“Tes, we need another jar,” Pat replied.
“What’s this beside ‘mustard’? Mary is Dublin, very strong wind?”
Pat removed her glasses and took the list from my hand.
It says Marquis de Dijon, extra strong, with wine,” she stated.
“When I was looking for mayonnaise I noticed we already have lots of mustard,” I said, hoping to shorten my shopping trip.
“Well, I want the ‘extra strong’ as well,” Pat said with a smile as she returned the list to my open hand.
I knew after 32 years of marriage there was really nothing I needed to say to Pat at that point.
I said to myself, “Buy the extra mustard. It will always come in handy on festive occasions when the other twelve kinds won’t do. You know how some guests are. We’ll have eight tidy dishes of mustard on the table but someone will want ‘Marquis de Dijon’ because they like it extra strong with white wine. Keep walking Gordie.”
I kept walking. But I wasn’t finished chewing on the frustration that comes from looking for mayo and finding more condiments than we could ever use in one lifetime.
Have you ever fumbled through the fridge looking for sandwich ingredients only to discover 12 kinds of mustard to slap on a slice of ham, but no ham? Have you been able to locate 16 kinds of salad dressing in the side door of the Westinghouse but not a leaf of lettuce?
We are knee-deep in relishes of every description, jams, jellies, olives, pickles, sweet onions, barbecue and hot sauces. But go ahead. Sniff for a burger. It won’t be there.
I simmered down when I returned from Valu-mart with my Hellmann’s Real and saw that Pat had my recent purchases of PC Horseradish Mayo and Hellmann’s Big Squeeze waiting for me on the kitchen counter.
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