“IT STRIKES” Again: Jack Lalane and his super juicer for only $229

[The following column was first published in January, 2003. Is Jack Lalane still plugging his goods? I don’t know. But I’m feeling better now that the fever has past. gah]

Vision from a sickbed: Jack Lalane and his super juicer for only $229

When a particularly unpleasant virus visited our house recently I camped out on the futon in the Tv room and acquainted myself with various sports shows, reruns and news programs.

For a few days, remote in hand, warm ginger ale in the other, I was caught in a frightening, feverish nightmare.

As my temperature increased I found the woes of the struggling Leafs overwhelming. I cried with them. While suffering through ‘cold shakes’ I tried to memorize and match up all the new names and faces at the New PL. I despaired. (“Where’s Kate? Where’s Kate?”) And no matter how loudly I quacked back, the Aflac duck still waddled around annoying people.

Pat thought I was getting better when she heard me commenting one to no one in particular (this is considered normal, healthy behaviour at our house) about the many exciting features of the new and improved Jack Lalane Super Juicer.


[“Yup, my 30-year-old blender still works like a charm.”]

Pat popped her head into the TV room.

“Feeling better today?” she inquired.

“This is so good,” I croaked and weakly waved the remote at the TV.

Then I coughed, gasped noisily for air, sneezed wildly, caught half a breath, clawed for another tissue, hacked four times without inhaling, used both hands to twist my head into the forward and upright position and crawled back onto the futon.

“My gosh. Are you alright?” Pat asked.

“Yeh, I’m better today,” I responded. “Look. Here it is.”

Two smiling faces appeared on the TV screen beside a flashing reminder that with ‘five easy payments’ the Super Juicer could be ours for the (incredibly!) low price of only $229.

Pat looked at me cautiously. “Do you actually like it?”

I didn’t hear her. I was too busy egging on the TV couple.

“Come on. Put in some more kale. More kale!” I demanded.

Upon request the young lady with muscular arms reached for more kale. She rammed a week’s worth of greens down the throat of the Super Juicer and hit a button.


[“I can ‘liquefy’ stuff too (sounds like a 1964 Volkswagen) for only $19.95!”: photos GH]

“It’s not just a juicer, it’s a lifestyle choice,” chimed her smiling pal.

I laughed at his words while bright green juice dripped and dribbled from the spout into a waiting plastic cup.

“You must be feeling better if you can watch that,” Pat commented. “But it’s so big. Where do people store those things?”

“Well, it’s a lifestyle thing, Pat, I suggested with a grin. “We’d make room by getting rid of a table or chair or all of our canned goods.”

“You’re not serious are you?” asked Pat.

“No. Come on. It’s just a blender with a spout stuck out the side. But it’s funnier than any other show on TV. Look. Carrots.”

The girl with huge arms fed carrots and an assortment of other vegetables into the Super Juicer until the glass was full. Then she drank it down with a flourish.

“Five easy payments. Only $229!” she cheered excitedly.

“We do almost the same thing with our 30-year-old blender. Only $19.95!” I cheered excitedly too.

“Good to see you’re health is improving today,” Pat said.

Off went the TV. I started to doze off wondering if $229 was a fair price to pay to develop arms like that girl.

gah

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