“IT STRIKES” Again: Smooching and Spooching and a mouthful of rhubarb

[The following column was first published in December, 2002. I still have no idea what spooching means, and stewed rhubarb is a thing of the past at my house. gah]

Smooching and Spooching and a mouthful of rhubarb

A certain Clarica commercial about the deeper meaning of ‘hanky-panky’ is getting a fair bit of air-time but instead of clearing things up like a fresh tube of Clearasil it only muddies the water.

The ad is from people who portray themselves as experts on helping normal folks with matters far too complicated to understand. Like square-dancing or live theater.

Remember those ads? Though we have been square dancing and going to plays for centuries they are now portrayed as far too hard to fathom without a Clarica agent nearby.

You may recall the particular commercial that attempts to explain hanky-panky.

As it begins a little girl overhears her grandmother (who is huddled under a hair-dryer) say to her friends that she misses the opportunity to engage in hanky-panky now that she is older.

Grandmother then shares a hearty laugh with her companions.

The young girl appears confused and who can blame the poor dear. Here she is spending some quality time with grandma and she isn’t included in any of the lively banter.

So she sets off alone and on foot to find out what hanky-panky means.

How she gets from the beauty parlour to her parent’s bedroom in the suburbs, no one knows. Perhaps a Clarica agent could enlighten us.

She finds dad in bed reading and watching TV and asks him what hanky-panky means. Dad is either too busy or too confused to help with such matters. He sends the inquisitive child to her mother.


["I don't think so!"]

Mother is busy relaxing in the tub with a large towel wrapped tightly around her head. She is unable to help the wee tad as well. Perhaps she has too many soap suds in her ears and can’t hear the all-important question - “What’s hanky-panky?” - or the towel is wrapped a bit too tightly. Mother tells her daughter to go see her father.

The girl likely thought dad was half asleep by now so she trots off to the kitchen, where lo and behold she finds a Clarica agent talking with two adults. They might be her parents but it’s hard to tell - they are fully clothed. No sign of dad’s pajamas or mother’s towel or soap suds. Instead of asking her parents how they got dressed so quickly and down the stairs to the kitchen without knocking her sideways into the basement, the brave young girl asks the Clarica agent what hanky-panky is.

By ow even I am ready for a thoughtful explanation. But the agent’s response only gets me more confused with the whole commercial.

She says, “It’s when parents smooch and spooch.”

Up to that point there hasn’t been too much to confuse us, right?

Sure, grandma complained about the state of some of her basic desires in life, but then, don’t we all?

We saw dad and mom couldn’t answer a child’s innocent question, but they might have been the kind of folks who had trouble with algebra when they were in elementary school. So did I, and I was the teacher.

Getting downstairs so quickly? My guess - the parents had their clothes on all the time and they used the back stairway.

Where did the Clarica agent come from? She obviously must live in the basement.

When the girl hears about smooch and spooch she wrinkles up her face as if she wants to spit up her prunes.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the couch wearing a face that looks like I just swallowed a whole bunch of stewed rhubarb.

I ask aloud, “Spooch? What kind of answer is spooch?”

I’m going to have to call the number on the screen to find out.

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