Cartoon in Progress: “Life’s like that, eh” 18

“To the chagrin of all but Wee Willie, Grandpa really sunk his teeth into the final hymn on Sunday.”

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Please click here to view “Life’s like that, eh” 17

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The Crossword: Ever heard of ‘Eb and Flo’?

From Thursday’s crossword in the London Free Press:


41 Down - Old comic strip “Eb and ____” (3 letters)

Call me a genius if you will, but I had the answer in under 3 seconds, thanks to the fact I already had 2 of 3 letters and the obvious answer was indeed correct, i.e., Flo.


The answer to 44 Down was Dharma, of ‘Dharma and Greg’, and of the two couples I was more curious about Eb and Flo because I had never heard of them.

After hours of research I discovered the following:

“British-born cartoonist Paul Sellers first appeared in US newspapers with the pantomime strip 'Lancelittle' for Hall Syndicate in 1964. After this short lived comic, he came up with the daily comic strip 'Eb and Flo', that appeared in US and foreign newspapers through United Features Syndicate between 1967 and 1987.” (See for yourself w more details)

The strip below is in a foreign language but I think I’ve got it figured out.


Eb: Hey, I’ve got a great idea. How about we go out for supper tonight? My treat, of course.

Flo: You’re bright idea comes 30 minutes late as usual. I’ve already got supper on, for Pete’s sake!

Eb: Why are you upset? Think about it. We just saved 30 bucks, didn’t we?

***

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it.

Please click here for more adventures with the crossword.

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I'm ready for James Cameron's next big project after Avatar

Like Sam Worthington (as Jake, in Avatar), I think I can carry James Cameron's next movie.

I mean, Sam and I are almost twins.

According to a recent newspaper article (Dec. 18, London Free Press), Sam was living in his car when Cameron met him.

Me, I can usually be found in my shed.

Sam was an unknown Australian actor.

I'm from Canada, but hardly anyone knows me. At least not Mr. Cameron.


["More four-plexes are underway": photo GAH]

Sam is carrying Cameron's "massively expensive science-fiction spectacular."

And coincidentally, that's the same kind of movie I want to carry. Offer me a documentary (e.g., "The Secret Lives of Short People") and I'll chase you off my porch.

Go "massively expensive" or go home - that's my motto.

The similarities between Sam and I don't end there.

When he was offered the Avatar role in 2007 he said "he needed a week to get his brakes fixed."

Me? I have three birdhouses to finish before Christmas.

But - and this to James. Can I call you James? - after Christmas I'm as free as a bird.

***

Have you seen Avatar? Thoughts?

Do you think I'm ready for the big time?

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Let’s compare a Chicago bus stop to one in London, Ontario

Where would you feel most at home while waiting for a bus?

If you see an alien you might feel inclined to drop a dime in Chicago.


There’s a number to call, but what would you say?

“Hi. My name is Gord and someone just sat down beside me who is from way out of town. From Green Bay? No, no. Think even farther away than that.”

Back in London, we don’t have to report aliens. Would it even enter our minds?

Something else might enter our mind in London, while studying some of the finer points of American underwear and waiting for the Westmount bus on Queen St.


So, where would you feel most at home? Would you rather be checking out aliens on Michigan Ave. or fab undies on Queens?

What!? It’s a fair question.

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Teachers’ Pension owns Maple Leafs, now mattresses. Connection?

If you didn’t hear, here’s the scoop, as reported in the Sept. 26 issue of The London Free Press:

“One of Canada's largest pension funds, the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan Board, cited "attractive industry fundamentals" yesterday for its decision to buy a major stake in Simmons Co., the iconic but troubled U.S. mattress manufacturer.”

Very good, I thought. As a retired teacher I want my pension to be safe - and by golly - everybody has to go to bed sometime.


["One... two... now go to sleep"]

Then I read the part about “iconic but troubled.”

Geez, we already bought into The Toronto Maple Leafs. What’s more iconic and troubled than the Leafs? Shouldn’t we be buying things that are perhaps a little less troubled, you know, for the sake of balance?

Then I made the brilliant connection.

Leaf fans turn on their TV. Watch the Leafs struggle. Start to yawn. Rub their eyes. Say, “I’m going to bed, Sweetie-pie.”

And what’s beneath their bottom sheet? Ca-chinga.

***

Anything else that’s ‘iconic and troubled’ that would be a good fit for my pension fund?

Don’t suggest any of Canada’s political parties. Please.

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Waking up with the need for new hockey pants

Truthfully, my thought about hockey pants was the second urge I woke up with this morning.

Because of my advanced age (I kiss my 50s good-bye in less than a month) and two cups of tea before bedtime, I had to stroll very quickly down a short hall to the loo - as if I had everything under control, even in the dark - and negotiate a familiar routine with one eye closed.

Back to the hockey pants.


["Maybe some new socks too": photo link]

I ripped a hole in the old pair and because I have my first CPP cheque arriving in late October I woke up thinking, I should get my new pair now and pay them off later. The monthly cheque will be a perk, for sure.

Here are a few more, courtesy if my oldest sister and some site she visits regularly.

Perks of getting older



There is nothing left to learn the hard way.



Things you buy now won't wear out. (Including hockey pants? Quite likely.)



You can eat supper at 4 PM.



You can live without sex but not your glasses.

***

I’m not sure about that last one.

I’ll check with Sweetie Pie.

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Is my older sister trying to tell me something?

My birthday is coming up in a month, a big one as far as some people are concerned.

I say, so what. So what if I’m hitting si... six... sixt...

Hey, you know what? It doesn’t really matter because I feel like I’m 19.


["Like, how can a mess of candles be funny?"]

You know, tired in the morning, dreading the alarm and the big Psych 20 exam at 10 a.m. (B.F. Skinner - you suck, man!)

My oldest sister is hitting 65 the day after I hit ‘whatever,’ and that’s a big one, so she’ll get all the attention.

However, to prep me for the big change in my life (Say what? I’ll put my underwear on differently? Get out of town.) she’s been sending me one-liners under the following heading:

Perks of getting older.

Such as, kidnappers are not very interested in you.

And, in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

Like, how is that funny to a si... six... teeeeee year old guy?

***

My life isn’t going to change is it? There’s no exam, right?

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It Strikes Me Funny: My sister has gardening genes. Me? Maybe

In last week’s column I showed a wee bit of frustration when my oldest sister Lannie said she was going to tell her writing club a few things about my gardening skills - or lack thereof.

It’s true, I only learned the difference between a spade and a wheelbarrow recently but I do have a garden and several healthy plants grow there at the moment - though fewer than last week.

[A spade is used to dig graves, maybe edge a garden. A wheelbarrow has a wheel, unlike a spade, and is used to carry things to and fro. I’ll use both very skillfully when I catch the rabbit that ate my Brussel sprouts!]

Lannie’s plants do look healthier than mine but... what are they?


One looks like it’s a fly trap eating a jube jube.


***

Any idea? Poppies maybe?

(I’m too embarrassed to ask Lannie. She’d tell her writing club on me).

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Free flotsam at Pt. Bruce pays my motorcycle’s gas bill

I always have my eye open for a deal.

In fact, my middle name should be ‘The man with one eye open.’

Gordon Arthur The man with one eye open Harrison. Totally appropriate.

While at Port Bruce yesterday I saw several pieces of wood thrown up on the beach that could be used in so many projects - if only I had a tractor, chains, winch, trailer, strong back and the time.


["Flotsam looked like a wing": photo GAH]

[I have the time, but, the other five items... no. And if I pick up free lumber wherever I see it I’d soon need to live on a 4,000 acre farm somewhere far from Wortley Village, and I can’t see myself moving too far from my favourite coffee shops. Sorry, I digress].

But, not wanting to leave without something for my workshop I picked up two pieces I knew I could use - and pick up without falling over.

One piece of flotsam looked like the wing of a bird and will become a birdhouse perch. Another will become perches as well, after I cut it in half, straight down the middle.

And when I sell the birdhouses, for big bucks, with a card that says ‘a touch of Pt. Bruce’, yesterday’s motorcycle ride will have been free.


["A touch of Pt. Bruce": photo GAH]

Except for the fries.

***

Picked up any flotsam lately? A bit of jetsam?

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I googled 'birdhouses' - so I'll be busy for awhile

Two weeks ago, while showing my sister-in-law a few of my brilliant birdhouse designs, she and I came to the conclusion that I should write a book about my journey through the land of scrap lumber and feathered friends.

Interesting book titles followed on the tail of our brief discussion.

Build It And They Will Nest

Birdhouses, Scrap Lumber and a Long Learning Curve

Yes, It's Me Under All The Sawdust

Then I thought, maybe I should look for a few other designs so I look like I actually know what I'm doing.

So, I googled 'birdhouses.'

My gosh. There are millions of articles, websites, designs and images. If I made one copy of all the ones I liked I'd never leave my workshop. When I said as much to my wife she appeared delighted at the news.

Below is the favourite design I've found to date. I tip my hat to J. R. Davidson, who used teak and 1/4 inch aluminum as materials, provided a bottom clean out, circa 1945. [Click here for details]


My version of his design is at the top of the right-hand margin. Cedar scrap. Top comes off for clean out. Circa last week.

'Nough said. Back to the workshop (only 'til supper time, Dear).

***

Some older designs of birdhouses, homes, bikes, cars, toasters etc. sure stand up to the test of time, don't they?

Do you have something from the 1940s that just looks or feels right?

Let me know.

Cheers,

GAH

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If Gary Thorne sat on a hot stove, would you?

Right off the top, my apologies to Gary, one of my childhood friends from the village of Norwich, Ontario.

He came to mind when I added a few of the lessons I learned from my mother to my next column).

Many years ago, when she spotted me following some new trend, or I asked to buy a new toy because somebody else just got one, or I wanted to do something other than what she wanted, she used to say, “If Gary Thorne sat on a hot stove, would you?”

Geez, one time, all I wanted to do was wear my shirt with the top two buttons undone.

How did we get stuck on a hot stove?

(Trust me. I had some confused feelings at times. 1959 was a particularly whacky year, but that’s another story).


["My secret's out. I love used jeans.": photo GAH]

Now that I’m older I get what she was saying.

And, no, I wouldn’t sit on a hot stove if Gary did.

I’d say, “Get off the stove, eh. You’ll ruin your jeans, and a new pair of Levis aren’t cheap.”

Then I’d go on to say, if his pants were ruined, that he could buy good used jeans for $10 - 15 at Valu-Village.

“You buy used jeans?” he’d say.

“Sure. No more of this keeping up with the Thornes for me.”

***

Tell me about a lesson you learned from your mother.

And what is your favourite "used" purchase?

My Levis are in the top five right now.

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Latest poll reveals a shift toward smaller lifestyles

I’ll make this snappy - you heard it here first.

Unless you were listening to CBC Radio Canada yesterday and heard the short clip about people adopting new spending attitudes and dialing back their lifestyles - with a positive view to the future.

Since the recession is adjusting our materialistic attitudes faster than www.storyofstuff.com, David Suzuki, Al Gore, the Green movement, Elizabeth May and our last credit card statements rolled into one - with very good results for people and the planet - I think it’s time for a name change for the era in which we live.

Recession (even deep fried) is so yesterday.


[Age of reason?"]

I’m looking for examples or suggestions.

The Age of Austerity? Too austere.

Era of Frugality? Lousy sound bite. The media would revolt.

Age of Reason? Very good... but taken.

Period of Practicality? Practical... but too many syllables.

So, grab your dictionary and thesaurus (warning - this is not another example - I’ve moved on) and send me your ideas. Something upbeat.

And snappy. We all like snappy.

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Real Time: The TV show 24 isn’t as exciting as this

So, if you have a workshop, sweat about where to get good materials for a low price, make brilliant looking birdhouses (among other amazing things), sell a few items on the side, don’t declare the income because you’re retired and are somewhat opposed to working for the man, like getting your hands dirty, and your feet... then this story is for you.

My friend Don sent me an email recently and said the following:

Subject: barn board

Gord:

I knew the title would get your attention. I managed to make it to the dump yesterday near closing time. There was a pile of barn board that I think would be great for birdhouses. I took one sample so if you would like to see it, I could bring it in tomorrow.

Don


["The last of my lumber": photo GAH]

Oh boy, he got my attention.

I wrote back:

Don:

Let’s meet tomorrow. I'll buy coffee at The Black Walnut - about 9:15?

I am completely out of barn board at this time, and can use it immediately.

Gord

Can you not feel the excitement?

All of this happened in real time.

Stay tuned.

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The Simple Life: No lives were lost but... darn those socks

Because I’m not going to buy any new clothes in 2009 [see Green Ideas, side margin] I’ve had to learn a new skill involving a very sharp object.

Darning socks with a needle sounds like a simple enough task though, right?

People have likely darned for years, written books about it (at least one article in a science journal for beginners - so no one would get seriously injured), and kept the same pair of favourite socks around for more than a decade.

But not in this house. That is, until last night.


Needle and brown thread in hand (I was out of brown darn), I closed a couple of small holes before they got to the point where I’d say, “Chuck ‘em.”

So, for the first time in my life, I've repaired a pair of socks.

And nobody got hurt.

***

How long will a pair of socks last? Until this year I never thought about it.

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I’m Calling It, Canada: Fall federal election in 2009

You heard it here first - PM Harper will call for a fall election.

And how do I know? (A political pundit or hack I’m not. I don’t even know what a pundit is. I’d guess a small, tippy, leaky boat.)


Two reasons: I’m somewhat informed by news and events and... I trust my gut.

Here’s the news and gut feelings I rely upon:

Liberal leader Ignatieff is rising in the polls

PM Harper is sinking

Ignatieff is smarter and better looking than Harper

PM Harper will be fully aware of this by July


Tomatoes will be ripe in September and Harper will want to throw a big one at Ignatieff

Unity is growing inside the Liberal Party

Discontent, now red hot inside the Conservative Party, will peak in September like red hot chili peppers in my garden

Money in Liberal coffers is growing

My gut says Harper will want to burst that balloon

The recession will worsen

My gut says Harper will want to blame someone else, and soon

Ontario and Quebec is turning against Harper

This is just my gut talking again, but Harper will want to blame someone else for that too

And finally, Harper will call an election in the fall because that's when the pumpkins are ready... and he's almost out of ammo.

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I think as far as Harper is concerned, “small, tippy, leaky boat” is spot on.

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