“IT Strikes” Again: PT 2 You know it’s time to replace your old Speedo when...

[PT 1 was posted yesterday. Go ahead, read it first here. The following column was first published in November, 2002 and yes, I actually used to shave my legs and wear Speedos. gah]

You know it’s time to replace your old Speedo when...

“...I’d like to buy a swimsuit. A Speedo. Do you carry them?” The first clerk stopped the jitterbug momentarily and gazed at me cautiously.

“Oh, we carry a complete line of Speedos. Would you also like to see some other swimsuits? We have a wide variety of styles.”

“Yes, a wide variety of styles,” repeated the other clerk with my arm still in tow.

(Was it just me, or did the clerks emphasize the ‘w-i-d-e’ variety? But, there’s no denying it, I am at the age where the only comments I get about my appearance in a Speedo are ones I don’t want to hear).

Nevertheless, I continued in a determined, fearless manner. “No, I think I’ll stick to the Speedo. Just point the way. I’ll get it on my own, thanks.”


["The days of skimpy suits are gone for me."]

“Gee, we’ll take you there,” the first said helpfully, 100-watt-enthusiasm returning. “They’re hiding in a corner and you might miss them.”

“And what size are we looking for today?” asked the second, still hugging my arm.

I wasn’t prepared to throw out any personal information about myself in a public setting. That was the reason I wanted the clerks just to point me in the right direction.

Now I would have to go through the rigours of having someone breathe over my shoulder while I fumbled with the suits until I found the magic number. Or worse, wait until one of the clerks so helpfully found it for me.

(The process of purchasing a Speedo could only be made more embarrassing if the clerk read out a verbal caution over the loudspeaker while I carried the Speedo to the register; “You can buy the Speedo, mister, but please bear in mind that people will be looking at you for all the wrong reasons.”)

However, with less pain than anticipated the clerks helped me finish my shopping, and in order to make life a little easier suggested I buy a second pair at a sale price. I bought six pairs. Hopefully those two will be managing a store in Winnipeg by the time I’m mourning the loss of lycra in my last Speedo.

gah

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Please click here to read PT 1 You know it’s time to replace your old Speedo when...

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