“IT STRIKES” Again: You know it’s time to replace your old Speedo when...

[The following column was first published in November, 2002. I raced in triathlons way back then. I shaved my legs. I wore Speedo bathing suits. Never again! gah]


["Grandson Ollie loves reading my stories over and over again": photo GH]

You know it’s time to replace your old Speedo when...

There’s a moment in every swimmer’s life when it’s obvious it’s time to buy a new bathing suit. To prevent the embarrassment of getting caught in a suit passed its prime, I check the condition of my Speedo after every swim, turning it over in my hands trying to spot the inevitable loss of lycra.

Recently, to be on the safe side of the lycra ledger, I asked a fellow swimmer to do a visual check of the backside of my swimsuit. I can’t explain why I was so bold to use this other method of checking. I just knew if my friend could see my ‘Goose Island Pale Ale’ tattoo (can’t explain that either) I was due for a new Speedo.

Really, the question just popped out as I exited the pool at the downtown Y.

I thought my wee bank account was safe for another week or two until a precocious young swimmer asked his father, “Daddy, why does that man have a picture of a duck on his b...?”


["Tony, smile. Then check the back of my shorts!": photo by Michelle B.]

The embarrassment didn’t end there.

You see, when the skimpy Speedo tires it must be hurriedly replaced by another model so that one’s swimming stays on schedule. So last week found me in White Oaks Mall in search of a small, quiet, gently-lit store off in a corner where I could complete a discrete piece of business in an invisible fashion.

I stepped hesitatingly into what appeared to be a promising location.

“Hey! Hiya there, sir. Can we be of any help at all?” asked one young, bouncy clerk as a second took my arm and gracefully guided me to the centre of the store where the lights were definitely too bright and the music far to uptempo. (No wonder the clerk was bouncing).

“Well, yes. okay, I guess you can. I’d like to buy a swimsuit. A Speedo. Do you carry them?” The first clerk stopped the jitterbug momentarily and gazed at me cautiously.

“Oh, we carry a complete line of Speedos. Would you also like to see some other swimsuits? We have a wide variety of styles.”

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion.

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