Letter to the Editor: Ban more than cellphones while driving

Oh, what to do, what to do?

Jodie VR wrote the following to the Free Press on Monday:

“If you are going to ban cellphones while driving, what about banning eating while driving?

(That’s right. Eating a Whopper while driving through the intersection at Dundas and Waterloo is more distracting than a short chat with your mother. “Did you say pick up milk or cheese? They’re both dairy products and I get them confused.”)

“What about listening to iPods, putting on makeup, reading the paper and laptops?

(Go get ‘em, Jodie.)

“What about dogs and cats roaming around the car and sitting on the shoulders of drivers?”

Yes, I saw that same dog!

Because Jodie mentioned just about every possible distraction that could cause an accident while we drive our home on wheels around Deforest City, I thought I’d address the punishment issue.

Personally, I don’t think a ticket is enough of a deterrent.

Cellphone use at every opportunity is a lifestyle choice, and a fine won’t slow people down. Many people have more money than Carters has pills.

(I believe that’s the first time I’ve used that old saying. For those younger than me, allow me to explain. The Carter family made liver pills, and they made billions of them once they discovered, after careful research, that everybody’s got a liver, right? Sorry, I digress.)

Here’s what the police should do after pulling over a cellphone law breaker.

They should staple the phone to the hood of the car, right where a chrome hood ornament used to be on older cars.


["Always keep 1 inch staples on hand"]

Then, using a bullhorn, the police should say, “Okay, Mrs. Johnston. Follow us back to your home to drop off your cell.”

With sirens wailing, the noncompliant Mrs. Johnston should be walked to her front door and asked to leave the remains of her phone on the kitchen table. She could be allowed to check with her mother about the milk or cheese issue if the officer so chooses.

Then, she should be escorted back to the scene of the crime, patted down to see if she has any other phones on her person, and if clean, instructed to get on with her day.

“Have a good one, Mrs. J.”

***

There, that oughtta do it.

Be careful out there.

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