the hits keep on comin' 8

Surely, the following movie will be in production soon. Who wouldn't want to see who the winner is in a battle between a 25-year old man from Arizona and a 125-year old saguaro cactus?

                Death by Misadventure: The Screenplay - Part 4

Yes, I know. Part 3 of my screenplay ended rather abruptly. We followed Grundman - from a safe distance - across a mile of desert and watched while he littered the ground with beer cans, cigarette butts, shell casings and a half-dozen saguaro corpses until he reached Ha:san. Then he and the story stopped dead.

No, our narrator didn’t walk out on us. I just wanted to add suspense. That’s show-biz. (FYI. There’s still been no word from anyone about a pet coyote.) 

Tom Miller, the movie's narrator and author of the book upon which the screenplay is based, will next read three short sentences directly from page 192, Jack Ruby’s Kitchen Sink.

“Finally David Grundman encountered Ha:san. A couple of rounds didn’t do it. Ha:san, 125 years old, remained erect.” 

The camera will move in for a close-up of Grundman’s sweaty face as he surveys the damage he has wrought thus far. 

Seconds slowly tick by. He casually takes the last swig of beer from the last can of his six-pack and a final draw on his cigarette. Just as casually he flicks the butt toward Ha:san's tough hide.

We have time to ask ourselves, What’s he thinking? Is he going to wise up? Curse himself for doing so much damage to other living things? Go get a bigger rifle?

Grundman bends down, reaches for the box of shells sitting at his feet.

The narrator reads, “He moved slightly to another angle and pumped a few more slugs into the splendid 3,000-pound saguaro, but it refused to fall. He tried again from farther over.”

Though Grundman’s face registers frustration he is determined to best the cactus. So he picks up a saguaro rib from the ground and starts poking at Ha:san’s lowest arm, which has grown almost five feet in its 70 years. 

(To those who are surprised by the man’s stubbornness or stupidity, or both, may I just say for the record that you shouldn’t be. Mankind has been doing much the same thing to the planet for the last 100 years in countless other ways. You should be used to it by now. Sorry, back to the screenplay.)

Grundman’s poking finally dislodges the arm, which rests about four feet above him and weighs close to 500 pounds.

I could stop right here to build more suspense, but instead, what follows will take place in ultra-slow-motion in true Sam Peckinpah-fashion.

The 500-pound arm falls ever-so-slowly and dramatically toward the ground, and it breaks Grundman’s neck on the way.

Then Ha:san, suddenly unstable, starts wobbling, and falls onto the lifeless man as well, piercing his face and torso in hundreds of places.

As the movie screen gradually fades to black so that the credits can roll, three things will happen simultaneously.

We’ll see the county medical examiner fill in Grundman’s toe tag with the following words; cause of death – external compression of the chest - 04/02/82.

We’ll hear the ballad 'Saguaro' that contains the line 'one mighty arm of justice came hurtling toward the ground'. (Michael Stevens, Austin Lounge Lizards)

We’ll be asked by the film’s narrator, “How will mankind’s movie end?”

Black.

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Final notes.

There was one witness to David Grundman's death by misadventure., i.e., Jim. W., Grundman's travelling and drinking companion. His full name is given in Miller's book.

Tom Miller's book of short stories about America's South-West will be found today under a new title, The Revenge of the Saguaro.

Tom recently sent me the following note: "Your 2-part Londoner series on the saguaro incident goes in my archives at the U of Arizona Library. You have been preserved."

Years ago my mother canned a lot of fruits and vegetables to help us get through the winter so I'm not sure how to feel about being preserved. 

Live small and prosper.

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